Sex Ed Can Be a Matter of Life and Death

There has been public outcry recently about the new and updated sex education curriculum in Ontario. Leading opposition are the usual suspects--older conservative types along with fundamentalist religious groups including Christians and Muslims.

There are many places to read more about the curriculum itself, as well as the developmental research behind it, so I doubt that this blog message is likely to reach those who are keen to protest, many of whom have made up their minds firmly with or at least as often, without the facts.

Part I: Today We Have the Naming of Parts

But..this is a blog, and someone needs to hold up the stereotype of navel-gazing diatribes, so this time it will be me.

I have heard lawyers and social service workers complain about court cases involving incest, child predators etc. having to be thrown out because the child cannot explain what happened well enough to convict. Knowing what touches are OK and what ones are not, as well as the proper name for body parts at a young age is vital for child safety. We would be embarrassed if a child couldn't name their nose, and only referred to it as that "thing out there", so why would "down there" be in any way acceptable?

Medical professionals also find it helpful when children can be more descriptive as needed, and this can lead to better and quicker diagnoses of digestive problems, bladder and kidney infections, etc.

Part II: Family Relations

There are many kinds of families and children need to understand that families consist of people who live together, support each other and love and care for one another. In our society, families can include extended family, the nuclear family, two or more adults of any gender, or single parent situations. I myself grew up with a grandmother, mother and much younger uncle as my immediate family. It was difficult only because other children and adults in my life failed to recognize us as a family. Children need to understand this concept because the world contains these arrangements and they are a part of the world. An understanding of the concept of family can help a child as they grow up to feel secure and to eventually create a family of their own.

They also need to understand that people who care for each other have strong feelings, and these can be difficult to deal with, but that within the bond of family, disagreements and arguments can be resolved in a healthy way.

Students also need to learn about what constitutes a healthy relationship, how to be a caring partner, and how to get help if needed. More on this will be covered below under "consent".

Part III: Diversity and Acceptance

When I began teaching many moons ago, "tolerance" was the buzzword when it came to diversity. Along with that came "political correctness". It is with great pleasure that I see these concepts dying out to be replaced with much kinder and healthier concepts of "acceptance" and "understanding".

Tolerance is pretty meaningless as all it means is that you allow someone else their differences without raising a stink about it. We can do better. By striving to listen and understand one another, we can celebrate our similarities, understand and appreciate our differences, and remain free to be true to ourselves. Is there a better lesson we can share with our students? I think not.

Within this area, comes the whole topic of identities: gender identities, and sexual identities. People protest the inclusion of such education on religious grounds, but the reality is that there is room within these religions for acceptance and understanding. Often, religion is used as a crutch to disguise fear, discomfort, and in many cases, outright bigotry.

After WWII, many Germans who had been indoctrinated by Nazi ideology underwent re-education so that they could unlearn the hateful attitudes of that regime. In some ways, we need to do the same thing to protect many of our children. Bigotry and bullying is much more pronounced against LGBTQ students than the general public. In fact, the suicide rates for these populations can range from 3-4 times higher than in the general population, depending upon your sources. Depression, missed school, physical assault and abuse--all of these are much higher for the LGBTQ population than the general population.

Teaching students about these issues can save lives.

Part IV: Everyday Health, Safety, and Consent

When people of my generation hear the words "sex education", we immediately think of STD's and family planning. Those topics are again, very important. Despite many advances in treatment, HIV has not been cured, nor has AIDS. There are many other STD's that can also have long term and even deadly consequences if left untreated.

Breast and testicular self-examination can reveal cancerous growths early on and potentially save lives, as can regular medical checkups. Being familiar and comfortable with your body can also help students understand their sexual preferences and to improve their body image.

Pregnancy and childbirth are generally safe in the western world, but there is still a mortality rate for each, and a moral question of family planning that is important to address with students whose bodies are becoming capable for such things. Students need to understand how to protect themselves and how to plan and space a family, if desired, as desired.

Along with this topic comes the issue of consent. With 50 Shades of Grey, the prevalence of easy-access porn on the Internet, and an overwhelming rise in the amount and degree of violence depicted in the media, this is again, crucial for all young people. We do live in a society in which many embrace a "rape culture". Women are objectified, men are expected to "perform" and "take control" and the concept of consent can be blurred.

Particularly chilling are some of the incidents that have happened over the past few years including filming & distributing on the Internet images and videos of non-consensual nature, some of which have led to suicide and/or murder. We also have the unaddressed issue of thousands of missing and murdered indigenous women in our country.

This is serious stuff.

It is vital that students understand that their bodies are their own, that their clothing does not "ask for" a particular kind of treatment, and that a "no" or equivalent (I'm not sure, slow down, whoa, being unconscious, etc.) all mean it stops immediately regardless of any "agreement" spoken or unspoken beforehand. No one owes anyone else sexual favours, for any reason whatsoever. Including marriage. Including "contracts". Including getting drunk and passing out at a party. And so on. It's the law, and they have a right to know about it.

So, before protesting the loss of innocence of children in learning about their bodies and how they function, their rights, and how our society works, take a moment to consider what the consequences of them NOT learning this can be.

Parenthood and Letting Go

From the time you give birth as a mom, it starts. Your baby becomes increasingly independent at a rate that some of us find uncomfortable, sad even. It's a beautiful thing to watch this new little person growing and learning and becoming more self-sufficient with every passing day. Moms take pride in their children's growth and passing milestones (as do fathers, but for this article, I'm speaking purely from my own perspective as a mom). Our role is to make ourselves redundant as caregivers. Success in this can be bittersweet.

My eldest is 14. This past week he spent traveling with his peers in a foreign country, enjoying experiences I can only imagine from his photos & descriptions. Although it is not the first separation we've had by any means, this time it felt like a preview of the time, not so long from now, when he'll leave home more permanently to embark on his own life adventures.

Let me back up a little here. If you've read many of my posts etc. you may have caught the fact that I'm inclined toward an attachment parenting mindset (with a little Gerber thrown in there every so often). My kids were breast-fed, cloth-diapered and never spent time in daycare (or even with a babysitter--but that was circumstantial). We tried a couple of preschools and junior kindergarten with my eldest, but in the end settled on homeschooling for both kids. DS14 decided to try school again for grade 7 when it became a new school for everyone since our board follows a senior public school model. DS11 started grade 6 a few months ago in order to take a running start for grade 7 for reasons that make sense for him and his learning.

They are happy with their choices, and I am happy that it is working well for the most part. But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that this is very difficult for me. There is a bit of a control freak inside of me that wants to run their education (weird though, since I'm also a strong advocate of unschooling...). I also miss them more than I'd ever guessed I would.

This March Break trip was hard for me. I love that DS14 had a wonderful time and learned so much. I'm glad & proud that he took the initiative to use his free times to do interesting things--like use his lunch break to pop into the National Gallery to see Van Gogh's Sunflowers. I'm pleased and relieved to know that although he initially knew none of the other students on the trip, my introverted son made some close friends over the 9 days they were together.

I often tease my kids that I live vicariously through them, but the joke is sadly not far from the truth. I chose to embrace my role as full-time mom, caregiver and educational supervisor wholeheartedly. I would not change a thing were I to do it again. But this is a temporary position with changing responsibilities, and unlike other positions in which success might be met with promotions, I find I may soon be made redundant. I had expected a couple more years to make the schooling adjustments, and I feel like everything is moving very quickly.

I encourage my kids' independence, but it isn't easy for a mom like me to do so. I let them fight many of their own battles, I taught them to use transit on their own at an earlier age than many of their peers, they can cook and clean for themselves (well, they KNOW how to anyhow!), they have both urban and wilderness survival skills, both go to residential summer camps (of their choice), DS14 has now taken two major vacations without us, DS11 has also traveled without us to different cities, etc. Both can speak comfortably with people of all ages and can self-advocate when necessary. They speak up for others and defend their peers when necessary as well. I've watched them both at different times take on leadership roles in groups, even when those groups included people nearly twice their age. I am proud that they are independent, confident and very self-sufficient.

Buddhists sometimes speak about attachments and how these can be dangerous things. They warn that such attachments can lead to pain and suffering. In a weird way, I often picture Spock with that emotional detachment he's so famous for when I read or hear about this. I've always had a bit of a problem applying this non-attachment philosophy to people, particularly those closest to me, and especially to my children. I've always felt that babies and young children in particular need that strong emotional bond in order to survive and thrive. The trouble is that unlike the umbilical cord that would eventually disintegrate were it simply left, the bonds of emotional attachment only grow stronger. It becomes harder and harder to push these little birds out of the nest. And when I gather up the resources to give a little nudge, I often find they're already out there testing their wings.
What if, when they finally fly and become enthralled with all that is out there, they never return? I'd like to be the one they can share those long travel-logs with, to one day have the chance to bounce a grandchild on my knee, to share in their glories, listen to their woes and offer a shoulder now and then.

We are coming to a transition of sorts when my role as parent is changing to one of a close friend/mentor/guide. Teenage years are maybe hardest for this reason--the kids still need guidance, but they also need freedom to grow. Being a firm, empathetic guide who steps back enough to allow them to falter and learn can be tricky when you want to scream that kid A hasn't put away his laundry yet again and would kid B please, please, remember to brush his teeth without me telling him! It gets trickier still when you see them make choices that could have larger implications. For some things the line is clear--drinking, drugs, violence--those are easy "no" items, but what about academic choices, employment choices etc.? Finding a comfort zone for those can be difficult. And maybe that's just the point--maybe it's time to let go of that comfort zone and see what happens. Trust in their judgement, understand that most things aren't written in stone, hand over control of their lives to them and just let go.
Intellectually, this is easy; emotionally, not so much.

These ramblings seem silly and overly-sentimental now that I've written them out, but I suspect I'm not the only mom to feel this way.

Letting Go

I wrote this last Wednesday after dropping off my son at his math program. It's funny how as a parent, you never know when these moments are going to come, when your child suddenly moves beyond your sights and you find yourself not wanting to let go, but knowing that is what you must do. Sometimes it happens when you least expect it.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

The little boy with the round face and red-blonde hair broke into a sprint alongside the family car in a race with his dad. My husband was turning the car around to continue with errands after dropping us off at the local university campus.
We walked along through the familiar surroundings and entered the math building, climbing all the way up to the fifth floor, with him waiting patiently for me at the landing. We were early, so we wandered the hallways, delighting at some of the cartoons and signs on the office doors, signs that read "IQC" and promising of cutting-edge research that will no doubt lead to places as yet unimagined.  Bulletin boards advertising seminars on quantum physics, nano particles and various other topics we only barely understood tickled our imaginations.
This was not Squirt's first time coming to the department; last year he attended the grade 7/8 session, which he did not enjoy. He already knew the material, and even with the clever presentations and hands-on games the teachers devised, it failed to challenge him. This year we were back, but under his terms, which is what brought us all the way up to the fifth floor where the high school students were taught.
The professor (the high school groups are taught by university professors) welcomed him warmly and invited him to choose a seat where he'd be able to see the projection screen.
Squirt pulled out his binder and I saw his paper was in upside-down. Normally I would have let it go, but in a rare fit of protectiveness I fussed and fixed it. His eyes told me "enough", so I left.
Eleven years old and he is already forging his own path through life, and I am a spectator on the sidelines who can only begin to comprehend his world.
This isn't the first time I've walked away and left him to fulfill his dreams. He swims competitively and has traveled to other cities with his team and without me; he has attended residential summer camp. But this is different. Tonight felt like a turning point, one where I begin to hand over the reigns of his education to those better equipped to mentor him and meet his needs.
In two hours he will return to me, a happy little boy who will want a snack and another chapter of our novel read aloud to him before bed. I will cuddle with him and we will read together and I will watch him drift off to sleep. But I know these days are numbered, and I am reminded of the words of Kahlil Gibran:

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you. 
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday. 

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

On Achievement and Self-Esteem

As parents or teachers, how can we help our children reach their full potential?

This is a question I have wrestled with for many years, both as a teacher and as a parent. In my experience, once issues such as special needs and special situations (trauma, language barriers, cultural barriers, etc.) have been ruled out or better yet, addressed, the causes of underachievement generally fall into three categories: fear of failure, fear of success and perfectionism.

Let's say a child, we'll call him Zack, is particularly adept at music. He enjoys playing music. When he has spare time, he often fills it with extra practice. Then he takes an exam and does very well. His score is admirable, and he receives a great deal of praise and positive attention for it. Then, a month or so later, you notice he no longer seeks it out. In fact, he begins to resist practicing, He loses his current workbook. When he does practice, he sticks to pieces he learned much earlier, and does not work on any new material.

What is happening here?

It could be that Zack needs a rest for a while after working hard. He could be losing interest, and it may be time to move on. Or, it could be that he is afraid of failure.  What if he is unable to continue to surpass, or even meet his own expectations or the expectations of his teacher or parents? If he doesn't put in any effort, Zack doesn't ever have to face his own limitations, whatever they may be. He gains control of the situation in the sense that if he doesn't try, he and others will have low expectations. He is in control of any feelings of disappointment from himself or others, even if it means it costs him any chances at further success.

Now let's say his 14-year old sister Zoe loves languages. Her aunt taught her some Spanish at an early age, and both French and English are spoken regularly at home. She became trilingual at an early age, and enjoys conversing in all three languages with various friends from different countries over the Internet. Her parents are proud of her linguistic abilities and offer her lessons in German, as they intend to visit there the following summer. Initially Zoe shows enthusiasm at the idea, and attends the classes, however, her teacher reports that she "zones out" and does not participate in class discussions. Zoe also fails to complete some of her exercises and hand them in. When it is time to leave home for class, Zoe makes excuses to stay home. Moreover, she stops conversing with others in Spanish and French, and when asked about these, she says she was never very good at them, and was finding it more and more difficult to understand what the others were saying.

What is happening here?

Zoe identifies herself as a gifted linguist. She may not remember learning the languages she can speak, yet she speaks them well. If she tries to learn German and fails, can she still consider herself a gifted linguist? What if she isn't really such a gifted linguist anymore, what if it was all a big mistake and she isn't any good at languages after all, what will that mean? When she starts the class, she is back at square one, having to learn a language from scratch. Although she makes some quick progress initially, she realizes that it will take a while to become as fluent as she is in her other languages. Thoughts of self-doubt begin to cloud her learning, and she reacts accordingly.  

If she can downplay her abilities in the other languages, maybe she can lower her own and other people's expectations for her acquisition of German, or any other language, in the future.

She is afraid that any successes she achieves will be used against her in order to raise future expectations, either by herself, by her parents and teachers, or other significant people in her life. She is also afraid that the way she and others view her might somehow be wrong, and that she will lose her sense of identity if she somehow fails in her efforts to learn German.

Kami has achieved high marks throughout his schooling, and is especially adept at English, which comes easily to him. When he received a "B" on a writing unit, he was devastated, and since then has worked several hours  extra each night. Despite this, his mark continued to fall. His teacher reports that he has not handed in his assignments on time, and some not at all.

Kami is worried that his work is not "good enough", so he is reluctant to complete it and hand it in. He spends a great deal of effort writing and re-writing it, but it still doesn't feel quite "good enough" to him. He worries about receiving another "B" or worse, and feels he needs to do even better that he used to do in order to make up for that mark.

That makes a lot of sense, but what can we do about it?

Some ways we can help students reduce these fears:

- avoid labels or quantifiers, such as "You're so good at math!" ""You're our star player!" etc.; use praise sparingly, relate it to the effort expended, and make it count (for an excellent article about praise see here)

- take time out with your child to evaluate together major sources of stress, and what you can do together to help reduce stress and make necessary tasks manageable--try and do this regularly and check back to see what is working and what needs to change

- let your child know how you value them beyond their accomplishments--how you admire their laughter, kindness, sense of humour, compassion, quirks, maturity, etc.

- ask you child how they feel about their work, what they've learned, whether this represents their best efforts, what they might do differently in the future, what parts they are especially proud of--let them be their own judges, and let them know you value their opinions (and be prepared to defend them against themselves when they are unduly hard on themselves too!)

- encourage honesty about failures by being open to mistakes and failing, and encourage students to learn from these experiences and continue with their efforts

- admit to your own failings, mistakes and "learning the hard way" so that students can learn by example that mistakes are a vital part of learning

- celebrate successes and failures--yes, failures--as part of life-long learning; failing at something usually means that an effort was expended that stretched the learner beyond their normal comfort level; this means that they took a risk and will learn from it, and is a cause for celebration.  Risk taking is not easy to do, particularly in our results-driven society, but is a behaviour that is most needed throughout life in order to achieve to one's greatest potential

Sir Ken Robinson says it much better than I can here.

It Takes a Village

It takes a village to raise a child, but the villages have been pillaged and the survivors have all fled to the city.

Sometimes, as a parent it feels this way. As our lives get busier, the neighbourhood and family supports that used to be there for children have all but disappeared. It is more and more common for parents to live far from siblings and their own parents when they become parents. Parents who do live close may find that relatives are too busy to take on an active role in their children's lives. If parents find they need help, chances are that they will need to seek it from a stranger rather than a relative or trusted friend. On warm spring and summer evenings, when we walk through our neighbourhoods, we find the streets are strangely empty of children and families, who are busy working late or at organized, structured programs instead.


This makes it even more important to connect with other parents when you are expecting and when your children are young. The Ontario Early Years Centres helped me meet some friends in similar situations. It is helpful to know there is someone you can trust with your children in an emergency. It is good for the kids to get to know other families (not just other kids they see at daycare in structured situations). More drop-in style, informal, neighbourhood-based programs where parents (not just the moms) can meet, talk, and bring their children are crucial.

It's time to be the village our children need. This means connecting with neighbours, helping each other out, tuning in to your children and to the children they meet. It means supporting other families without judging or imposing your own will on them. It means slowing down to listen. It means slowing down! It means being there for yourself, your children and your community. It may mean changing your priorities, and clearing time off your schedule.

As a society, we need to make a stronger effort to bring the focus away from commerce and back to the family and especially the children. We need neighbourhoods in which the kids play outside, with their parents, and sometimes without. We need to get to know our neighbours and our extended family (and no, an annual update on the back of a Christmas cards does not count!). We need to value kids for who they are at the moment. We need to start putting them first. We need to create bonds with others beyond the nuclear family unit so that kids have room to learn and grow without being stifled. We need to care about not just our own children, but all children. We need to drop the competitiveness that keeps this from happening, and begin to work together and create community. We need to recognize our true needs and work for those, rather than only the material goods our society so covets.

We need to start placing a much higher value on those who choose to spend their time working with children, whether they be the endangered stay-at-home parent, the daycare worker, or the primary teacher. We hear about women's groups espousing more and better daycare funding, but I'd like to see better support for full-time moms and dads and extended family members who are primary caregivers. I choose feminism over women's lib I guess.
We also hear about increased support for working families--when what is really meant isn't "families that work" in the sense that they encourage the inner growth of all members, but families in which both of the adults dedicate a huge portion of their time to improving the economy. While we do need material things, and we need to ensure that business and commerce runs smoothly, we have a much higher obligation to keep from neglecting our other needs in our current obsession with "more".

I am not going to argue against families in which both adults work full-time and have children; I am arguing that this is only one option and isn't necessarily the best one for most families for the long term good of society. Yet it is the one that has become most respected and mainstream.

We have all read or at least heard about the studies that claim that the first 6 years of a child's life are the most crucial, yet we still continue to recklessly bulldoze our way through them. We allow others to make decisions on our children's (and often the entire family's) behalf. If we all took an active role in the care of our children, our focus on the children would help us deal with the world's problems with a clearer perspective.

These are my views, and happen to be quite similar to the philosophy behind Raffi's Child Honouring (see earlier post) although he is somewhat less "political" about it than I am.

Meanderings

Like a river, my thoughts often meander to unsuspecting places...

I am currently reading "Nature's Playground" by Fiona Danks and Jo Schofield and am really enjoying it. I especially like the quotes:

""Playing outdoors should be a fundamental part of childhood, yet we are in danger of tidying out children away into stuffy bedrooms..."

and


"Life is full of risk, so the best way to prepare children for life is to ensure that they understand how to judge risk for themselves."

This last one especially hits a chord with me. Children hidden away just learn to fear the world instead of participate in it. What kind of life is that?

I am so looking forward to backpacking and canoeing this year! Maybe we'll take along "mud wear" and have a mud fight on one of the hotter days. Life is too short not to make the most of it!