From the time you give birth as a mom, it starts. Your baby becomes increasingly independent at a rate that some of us find uncomfortable, sad even. It's a beautiful thing to watch this new little person growing and learning and becoming more self-sufficient with every passing day. Moms take pride in their children's growth and passing milestones (as do fathers, but for this article, I'm speaking purely from my own perspective as a mom). Our role is to make ourselves redundant as caregivers. Success in this can be bittersweet.
My eldest is 14. This past week he spent traveling with his peers in a foreign country, enjoying experiences I can only imagine from his photos & descriptions. Although it is not the first separation we've had by any means, this time it felt like a preview of the time, not so long from now, when he'll leave home more permanently to embark on his own life adventures.
Let me back up a little here. If you've read many of my posts etc. you may have caught the fact that I'm inclined toward an attachment parenting mindset (with a little Gerber thrown in there every so often). My kids were breast-fed, cloth-diapered and never spent time in daycare (or even with a babysitter--but that was circumstantial). We tried a couple of preschools and junior kindergarten with my eldest, but in the end settled on homeschooling for both kids. DS14 decided to try school again for grade 7 when it became a new school for everyone since our board follows a senior public school model. DS11 started grade 6 a few months ago in order to take a running start for grade 7 for reasons that make sense for him and his learning.
They are happy with their choices, and I am happy that it is working well for the most part. But I would be dishonest if I didn't admit that this is very difficult for me. There is a bit of a control freak inside of me that wants to run their education (weird though, since I'm also a strong advocate of unschooling...). I also miss them more than I'd ever guessed I would.
This March Break trip was hard for me. I love that DS14 had a wonderful time and learned so much. I'm glad & proud that he took the initiative to use his free times to do interesting things--like use his lunch break to pop into the National Gallery to see Van Gogh's Sunflowers. I'm pleased and relieved to know that although he initially knew none of the other students on the trip, my introverted son made some close friends over the 9 days they were together.
I often tease my kids that I live vicariously through them, but the joke is sadly not far from the truth. I chose to embrace my role as full-time mom, caregiver and educational supervisor wholeheartedly. I would not change a thing were I to do it again. But this is a temporary position with changing responsibilities, and unlike other positions in which success might be met with promotions, I find I may soon be made redundant. I had expected a couple more years to make the schooling adjustments, and I feel like everything is moving very quickly.
I encourage my kids' independence, but it isn't easy for a mom like me to do so. I let them fight many of their own battles, I taught them to use transit on their own at an earlier age than many of their peers, they can cook and clean for themselves (well, they KNOW how to anyhow!), they have both urban and wilderness survival skills, both go to residential summer camps (of their choice), DS14 has now taken two major vacations without us, DS11 has also traveled without us to different cities, etc. Both can speak comfortably with people of all ages and can self-advocate when necessary. They speak up for others and defend their peers when necessary as well. I've watched them both at different times take on leadership roles in groups, even when those groups included people nearly twice their age. I am proud that they are independent, confident and very self-sufficient.
Buddhists sometimes speak about attachments and how these can be dangerous things. They warn that such attachments can lead to pain and suffering. In a weird way, I often picture Spock with that emotional detachment he's so famous for when I read or hear about this. I've always had a bit of a problem applying this non-attachment philosophy to people, particularly those closest to me, and especially to my children. I've always felt that babies and young children in particular need that strong emotional bond in order to survive and thrive. The trouble is that unlike the umbilical cord that would eventually disintegrate were it simply left, the bonds of emotional attachment only grow stronger. It becomes harder and harder to push these little birds out of the nest. And when I gather up the resources to give a little nudge, I often find they're already out there testing their wings.
What if, when they finally fly and become enthralled with all that is out there, they never return? I'd like to be the one they can share those long travel-logs with, to one day have the chance to bounce a grandchild on my knee, to share in their glories, listen to their woes and offer a shoulder now and then.
We are coming to a transition of sorts when my role as parent is changing to one of a close friend/mentor/guide. Teenage years are maybe hardest for this reason--the kids still need guidance, but they also need freedom to grow. Being a firm, empathetic guide who steps back enough to allow them to falter and learn can be tricky when you want to scream that kid A hasn't put away his laundry yet again and would kid B please, please, remember to brush his teeth without me telling him! It gets trickier still when you see them make choices that could have larger implications. For some things the line is clear--drinking, drugs, violence--those are easy "no" items, but what about academic choices, employment choices etc.? Finding a comfort zone for those can be difficult. And maybe that's just the point--maybe it's time to let go of that comfort zone and see what happens. Trust in their judgement, understand that most things aren't written in stone, hand over control of their lives to them and just let go.
Intellectually, this is easy; emotionally, not so much.
These ramblings seem silly and overly-sentimental now that I've written them out, but I suspect I'm not the only mom to feel this way.
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