What do you stand for?

I've been having some important conversations with my eldest son over the past two days.
To summarize, I've been asking him to try and sort out what is most important to him--what values define who he is.

Admittedly, this is pretty tough stuff. Many adults I know would be hard pressed to answer. Yet, when it comes down to it, knowing who you are can help define your actions and reactions and even possibly the path you take in life. It can be a comfort, and provide a sense of constancy when the world around you becomes unpredictable. A strong sense of self can help you ride out whatever life throws at you.

Where did the conversation start?

I was surprised to hear him mention making some choices that, while fairly "mainstream" do not match those ideals I tried to impart on him. Impart on him...those words don't sound so great to a mom who believes that kids need to learn to make their own decisions and develop their own judgement. Yes, I will admit that I took this quite personally, and that I had to work hard to step back and find out more. Did he not agree? Were these ideals not his ideals? Is this a moment in which he is experimenting to find out what his own personal values might be, or has he outright rejected these values for himself? How do I know when to let go and let him act for himself? Where do I draw the line when he's busy figuring out where to draw his own lines? How do I know the difference between the effects of peer pressure and the development of his own personal value system? How does he know the difference?

Then he mentioned trying to hide behaviours (in this case, vegetarianism) that others had ridiculed him for. So we discussed it on two levels--did he want to continue to be a vegetarian himself? And, either way, did the others have a right to judge him for it? Were they seeking more information, or were they behaving hurtfully? Just as others have a right to religious and political freedom, he also has a right to his own personal value system. But in order to know how to respond, he will need to know where he stands--what does he himself believe to be his highest ideals?

It can be tough when one's own value system doesn't follow the mainstream. People often find differences personally threatening. Yet, by learning about the options, world views, background, etc.--the reasons--these encounters can become an opportunity for growth, or at the very least, tolerance and understanding.

Acquiescence in order to avoid conflict, "fit in", or just avoid offending others robs people of these opportunities. And yet, people often respond unfavourably, sometimes threateningly, to anything that is remotely different. Explanations can fall on deaf and stubborn ears. All we can do is remain true to ourselves, but it is important that we do remain true to ourselves! Each time we fail to stand strong (such as repeating "this is true for me" or "this is what I believe" etc.), we lose a little self respect.

So it is important to know what you stand for, and to remind yourself of this often, letting your words and actions reflect your strongly held convictions, while listening to and respecting those of others.

I hope he understands.